In love with 4 follies!

I had my first monitoring appointment this morning! I was so anxious and excited! I had an 815 appointment but got there at 8 so they brought me on in. I guess I was worried either the meds weren't working and there would just be one lone follie growing like normal or they'd be working too well and there would be 8-10 follies growing away.

But I don't have the blood results yet but... my left side has 4 follies- one around 11mm and three more between 8-9mm. I was getting a little nervous at this point with that many around the same size. Thankfully I suppose, right ovary is pretty lazy this month and only one follie around 6mm. The nurse thinks it's unlikely that little one will mature in time with the others so it's looking like I'll have four follies on my left side. Maybe only 3 in the end, depending how the next week goes. Originally, dh and I had thought we wouldn't go forward with 4 but the nurse advised we do. The risk of three or four is still very small with IUI rather than IVF and with me having me releasing one egg every month and not getting pregnant, the chances of every egg fertilizing seem small. So I think we will follow dr's orders and go through with 4 or less eggs! From what I've read, lots of people have IUIs with that many eggs and so it seems like a reasonble decision. Thankfully I called dh and he seemed happy with that from the short phone call so I think it's looking pretty likely we'll be having an IUI in about a week!

Needless to say, I'm thrilled to have made it to this point. When we first starting down this road, I had prepared myself to a) not be able to do shots this month due to hormone levels or b) have to cancel IUI due to medicine over-working or not working. So having prepared myself to not get to do this, I am stoked that we are actually doing it! I have such a great feeling about this!

Great baseline- ready to start the injections!

So the nurse called and said everything looked great which meant my estrogen is much lower. Still on the high side at 85 but much better than 132 last time! And it was low enough to get a better look at my FSH which was low enough- 4 something I think. Can't remember the number but they said it was good. I'm really relieved after spending a month worrying about diminished ovarian reserve that it doesn't look like that is a problem. It means we are really in the 'unexplained' category which has its own frustrations but it also means that there is no medical reason that this won't work. If it is a combination of a tilted uterus and low progesterone during the luteal phase then this should 'fix' both of those!
So I'm filled with optimism and excitement to start my shots tomorrow! I'm just praying for the right number of follicles now!

Day 2- off for baseline

Yesterday was the first time in a year I was glad to start my period! Dh was shocked that it was accompianed with tears and a total meltdown this time. I was expecting to start since we hadn't really 'tried' this last month (in the end, we had bd-ed two days before o and then not again which if I were 14 and having sex for the first time, would definitely have gotten me pregnant... but after months of carefully timing intercourse in the best four days before and on ovulation, I knew I wouldn't be this month). So I wasn't surprised ande avoided the pitiful hope and disappointment cycle.

Plus, I was waiting to start so I could start this treatment cycle. Since it's out first treatment cycle it's very exciting for us. Instead of just hoping that something would somehow be different this month, we are actually doing something different. Something that gives us according to my RE a 30% chance of getting pregnant- which is, btw, higher than a fertile person has on any given month so that's pretty awesome.

So today is Day 2 and I'm off for my baseline which I am not stressing about but am anxious to see if my estrogen is still high. Of course hoping it's lower but since they told me I'll be starting shots either way, I'm not obsessing over it as much. Then tomorrow it's my first round of injections- exciting and scary! I think I'll be most nervous for my monitoring on Friday because I don't want either a) only 1 follicle- I was doing that much on my own! b) 4 or more follicles since I agreed with dh to cancel for four (although I really would want to go forward with four or even five but Al is not so keen on the idea of quads!! Nor am i for that matter but I just don't see that happening). Anyway I'm hoping for 2 or 3 eggs which seems line a pretty fine margin for success!

Anyway, I'll post later with my baseline results!

Can't wait to shoot up!

Tomorrow morning between 9am-noon, my injectibles package will arrive in the mail and I'm really excited. Ok, admittedly I'm not thrilled about the shots, the drs appts and blood work etc. But what I am thrilled out is that one month from tomorrow I could be finding out I am pregnant and that makes all the rest ok. I know the stats are still technically against me (my dr said 30% chance) but I don't care. I still think I'm going to get pregnant this cycle. I really do believe it. I'm still trying not to let my imagination run wild and think about due dates etc but I am can't wait to get the whole process started! I think my dh is worried I'm a secret heroine addict that I'm so pumped for daily shots!

Actually I must credit dh for my cheerful mood. I was having a routine cry on Wednesday- most likely induced my AF's approaching arrival. I was feeling sorry for myself for a variety of reasons. And Al says- look we can look at this two ways: 1) poor us, we have to go through all this hassle and other people don't and it's not fair and life sucks. or 2) this is the month we are going to get pregnant. what else matters?

We chose option 2 so I am going to undertake this process with as much optimism and enthusiasm as possible. I know there could be hiccups along the way (biggest fear right now- too many eggs and cancelled cycle) and I know I'll worry and stress and get upset during the next 3 weeks but I am going to try to keep my attitude in check and keep my hopes up.

As for dh's job, it looks like it could be a couple of weeks before the next school districts post jobs so we're just taking this time to focus on the baby plan instead. And so all's ok there too!

I'll keep posting about my monitoring- praying for three beautiful eggs!!!

Welcome ICLWers and future followers...

Hello to all who are popping by and visiting blogs. I started my blog about a month ago so it's all still new to me! I'd love more followers so feel free to join me on my journey to motherhood. Or leave me a quick comment! I'm 27 years old and just reached finished my 12th unsuccessful cycle of TTCing and officially qualified as 'infertile'. We're hoping to start injectibles soon but my last and only baseline to date showed elevated estrogen and my dr has warned if it is high again, I likely won't start this cycle. Plus, then I'd have to worry it's a sign of diminished ovarian reserve. So, it's kinda a scary and crazy wild ride and dh and I are just hanging on (to each other) for dear life. Praying for a good baseline and a successful first cycle of Injectibles +IUI! Reading other people's blogs going through IF has really helped me. It's encouraged me. Sometimes it's scared me! But it's shown me that it could be a long road so I need to have the right attitude to see it through. Thank you to bloggers out there that have helped me in my journey!

Hope and Joy in the Midst of the Storm

Today was been a good day! After finding out that Al did not get the job on Wednesday, I pretty much emotionally shut down. I had been trying to stay positive and hopeful and focus on that potential great thing and not the potential scary thing (really old eggs). But when that didn't work out, I decided I had no reason not to collapse in despair. So it was a rough couple of days of tears, being edgy and bitchy to my wonderful husband and basically hosting my own very elaborate pity party.

Saturday was a stressful day because we had another job fair in the morning and another certification test in the afternoon. But today we slept in- I got up and went to the gym (inspired by my new probably irrational belief that exercise will magically lower my estrogen levels), did some grocery shopping (more irrational beliefs- drinking V8 will result in twins of course!) and then got to spend some quality time cudding, eating lunch together, having hot non baby making sex. It was very restorative for us. We really had the chance to re-connect and enjoy each other. It is days like today that make me realize we will survive this. Somehow we will get through to the other side and we will still adore each other when we get there. I have moments when I start to worry that between the job issue and the infertility, we will stop being us and just become these miserable stressed people. Anyway, then in the midst of a really tough week, we reach out and love each other and remember that we are so lucky.

There are moments when I think infertility might be the cruelest thing ever. But then I know that's not true. I had a beautiful wonderful childhood free of abuse, longing, pain really. I am married to an amazing man who loves me wholly and unconditionally. We are both otherwise healthy. Despite Al not having a full time teaching job, I am making good money and we are staying afloat in a lovely house. We have lots of support from our parents, including my parents being willing to pay our expensive fertility bills. We are truly blessed. And one day I KNOW, I truly believe and know with all my heart, we will be parents and our babies will be a tremendous blessing to us.

So for today, that's enough to bring a smile. Enough to keep me believing and hoping. That and the fantasy of my life with my babies (twins due to all the V8 obviously!) I know there will be days in the next few weeks where this cheerful person is impossible to find so I'll enjoy her today!

No Job for DH

We officially found out today that Al did not get the job which has been devastating. I don't really have the energy to hash out why it's so disappointing but it felt like the 'perfect' job and it's gone now, after us hoping for it and thinking it would happen for 2 weeks. I'm sure you can pick up on the parallel that our life seems to be a lot of waiting and getting disappointed these days. I am just so sad- I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take.

Trying to relax...

No news- I had an ultrasound and bloodwork which showed a mature egg and LH surge and how crazy is this- we didn't even try that day or the next. Which is kinda sad. But we did BD the night before so there's always a chance. But, poor DH is so weary of timed sex only for me to get so excited that I will be pregnant and then be crushed when I'm not. Since we're about to start the real roller coaster of fertility treatments, we decided on a true break for this month. No trying. Just enjoying each other and our sanity. And it makes total sense but it's hard for me. Knowing there was a big egg just waiting to be released yesterday and not having sex was so counter-intuitive to everything I've been doing. But then 11 cycles of very strategically planned sex and no baby to show for it so would it really have made a difference? probably not. And it's not like we didn't have sex any where near the time... I figure if it was God's plan to make a baby this month, a miracle is totally possible.

Meanwhile, no news on Al's job and trying to balance getting over it and not leting it continue to stress me and also not give up on it because I feel like until God gives us a 'no' I shouldn't give up on what I've been praying for. But given I'm supposed to be reducing my stress levels, I'm also trying to not obsess or think about it. One day we'll know the answer. In the meantime, we have to look into other jobs and work on a good backup plan.

With my really high estrogen levels, I'm worried we won't get to start injectibles next cycle. I'm praying it was a one off reading so I'm doing everything I can to lower it. No more caffeine. Trying to eat healthier (which is really hard for me) and trying to not stress. Exercising, napping and staying as rested and calm as possible. I'm going to get a couple of massages to see if that lowers my stress levels. I am contemplating acupuncture as well if the levels are still high. I guess I'm nervous about it but I'm trying not to think about it.

Instead I'm allowing myself to live in my baby fantasy land. I don't think about 'when'- I just allow myself to enjoy dreaming about my life with babies. Because it helps me remember that this will all be worth it. No matter how long it takes, it will be worth it. And it's not a race, my babies will come to me when it's time- it may be next month that they are conceived, it may be next year but I will do whatever I need to to bring them into this world.

My favorite fantasy at the moment is my multiples fantasy. Blocking out the bedrest and risk of premature birth (both very big real life issues but in my fantasy world, they don't matter!), I love the idea of twins or even triplets! I think partly I love to think about that because then it's easier to see a blessing coming from infertility. Like it may take us longer, but maybe we'll get to have my dream of twins happen. So I think about Addison and Caitlin and Josh- my baby names and I imagine them here with me. And it makes me happy and it makes me stop thinking about when and how and focus again on why.

Anyway, hanging in there and choosing hope and optimism.

A new plan B

So all of my plans are of course tentative and subject to being crushed. But my plan A had been that 1) Al would get this job at the great school and 2) I would get pregnant with 1 or 2 babies by the end of summer/august. Pretty good plan, hey?

Oh and bear in mind that that Plan A I just described is of course really Plan F or something since originally the plan was going to be that Al was working this year and I got pregnant in September/October. So it's the new Plan A and let's face it, I was doing well to even be happy at all about a plan that involves shots and us having endured a year on 1.5 incomes. But I got there over the past few months and Plan A was looking good!

Well, first blow to plan A was my high estrogen level making me wonder what on earth is going on in my body. And sending me into a panic spiral thinking about 5 failed IVFs etc. But, I decided to be optimistic (in denial) that was no cause to reject beloved plan A- after all, it's a pretty flexible plan. If my estrogen doesn't lower, I can go back on BCP and look at iui or ivf in June and the plan lives on!

Second blow to the plan was my friend who told me all about how I would probably have multiples (ok with me at first) and end up on bedrest at 20 weeks and cry every day when I have to leave my many children with expensive day care. Ok, that was hard because I had planend on working all but my 6 weeks leave (out of financial necessity and need to hold onto my good position not out of lack of desire to be home). But, ok... I probably won't actually get pregnant with more than one when I do and even if I do, I'll just have to take some time off and hope they don't permanently replace me at school or get a new job later on. Al will be working so we'd survive!

Third blow and perhaps the most crushing is Al not getting the job. Well, me assuming he hasn't gotten the job. They haven't called which has to be bad. So now I'm panicking because 1) we can't handle another year of failed attempts to get pregnant AND no money and Al hating subbing or 2) what if I do get pregnant with triplets the first time and Al can't get a job and then I have to be on bedrest?!?!?

Hence my intense panic and sadness. But I've got my bearings back and I think I've got in all back in perspective. What I've determined is that 1) Al probably will get a job. It may take a couple months longer than we want but I can't give up on all jobs now. 2) the main thing is having a baby. We can always move back to Australia once we have our children (cannot move before due to health insurance issues) and get great jobs again then. and 3) we will NEVER be out on the streets because my parents will support us. And I don't want that but if we do end up with multiples and I'm on bed rest and Al can't get work, we can live with my parents for a year and get gets or move after that.

So it's no plan A but plan B is that I get pregnant by the end of the year (giving myself more grace so the plan has more hope) and that's all that matters. If Al miraculously still gets this job, awesome! If he gets a job in a month or two, great! If we doesn't, it'll hurt but we will figure it out and we will be ok. So I'm back on board.

Notice there is no plan that involves me not getting pregnant because that one hurts too much so it's not really worth even making that plan!

Shouldn't I get to pick my miracle?

Funny day today- I took a certification test on Saturday for teaching and I accidently signed up for the wrong test because well, I'm so preoccupied and emotional these days, I'm relieved I make it through most days without tripping and falling or getting in a wreck. Anyway, I didn't realize until I got there that I was taking the Science Composite test- Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Earth Science instead of just the Biology test. For no good reason, I attempted the whole test but left convinced I failed. I never even took Physics!

But today having totally forgotten about it, I thought I'd check my score. Surprise- I passed!!!

Now don't get me wrong- I was relieved because I really didn't want to have to take it again. And quite excited. But there was a little part of me that was like- really? that's the miracle i get! Month after month of failing the one test I want to pass, I am almost pissed off I then pass a test I really had no business passing!!!

And here we are dying to hear about Al's job and something I felt so positive about before is starting to feel like a long shot- meanwhile, something I had no hope for, I end up passing.

It kinda makes me wish I could pick my miracle. Like- God please give Al a job and fail me on the test, thanks.

Anyway, that's life I guess and hey, I'll take whatever good news I can get!

Meanwhile, thinking Al isn't going to get this job is devastating. I start to worry about all these crazy things like I'm going to get pregnant from IUI (which is always a better start to any fantasy than the opposite) and I end up with three babies (awesome!) but then Al doesn't have a job and I end up on bed rest and we become those sad people who can't afford their children!!!

Anyway, I really need Al to get a job so I can go head first into this treatment knowing that any outcome that ends in one or more babies is the best news ever!

And if he isn't going to get the job, for goodness sake's just tell us! Then I can cry and get upset but ultimately get over it. I can even start getting over it until we know because assuming he doesn't have it seems wrong. So we're in limbo and I just want to know. I just want to deal with whatever our reality is. it's like waiting for my period- just hurry up and come and stop teasing me!

so hard to write about right now

There are days I could write for hours about my 'TTC journey' but today I'm so overwhelmed, confused and scared, words are hard.

Yesterday I went to have Day 3 bloodwork not expecting anything interesting. I had a transvaginal ultrasound (so much fun- haha) and didn't even think until like 8pm to check my voicemail to see if the nurse called with results. Well, she did and it tirns out that my estrogen levels are 130 something instead of below 50 which is normal. I don't fully understand what it means except I think it suggests a potential problem with egg quality or quantity- something like diminished ovarian reserve.

Which sounds utterly terrifying to me. I'm 27- how can I have a diminished ovarian reserve. And how do they help you then? I am ovulating every month so none of it makes sense. I start to think all these worst case scenario things like I have 10 eggs left and they are all terrible quality!

Meanwhile I can't even call the nurse until Monday and honestly I don't think they know what it means either so I think I'm a very long way away from answers...

I don't know if that changes our treatment plan or not- I don't know anything. I am really hoping and praying that it is not egg quality. Because even if it is quantity, we could move forward with IVF and just work with what I still have. I mean, the ultrasound showed plenty of follicles so surely we could get some eggs now and freeze embryos even. I don't know. I just don't want to waste any more time- especially if at 27 I might not have much more. Quality is way more scary, I guess. I don't know- it's all frightening.

So I know I have to move on somehow. I have to figure out how to just live my life because if I focus on this all the time, it gets too much. So I just have to enjoy the good in each day and trust that somehow someday we will figure this out and be parents.

In other news, Al feels really positive about his job interview and our friend at the school says he is in the top 3. I am praying and hoping so hard for him to get that job. It would be so AMAZING for us. Like I think I could put all the pregnancy pain aside and be genuinely happy- thrilled- for a long time just over that. So I am trying to at least hang in there for a couple more days because great news could be just around the corner...

A tough week

After my initial enthusiasm about to the dr and getting going with a 'treatment plan', I soon discovered that the plan involved a lot of uncertainty, definitely a lot of pain and fear and not nearly as much hope as I had thought. So, I dealt with it in a really mature way- denial. As a psychology teacher, I must say it is fascinating to watch myself use the full array of Freudian defense mechanisms in coping with infertility (as this marked our 12th period since being off BCP, I am still new to using the dreaded I word)

You know there is rationalization like 'it's good it's taken us longer because we've had all this extra time together and had the chance to grow closer' (yeah right- it sucks). Regression or returning to child like behaviour like when I lie in bed and cry holding on to my teddy bear. Or reaction formation when i'm like 'i don't even want to be pregnant yet- I want to go the gym and lose weight and just enjoy being thin and young' (first of all, 27 isn't young and 2nd of all, I really hate the gym). Displacement is a favorite when I become filled with hatred towards my 14 year old student who is pregnant- or really anyone who ever has, is or will be pregnant...

But then there is the really dangerous one- denial. In it's more subtle forms, it's like 'oh I'm sure this will be the month!" But the really scary one is when you are riddled with PMS symptoms and so obviously about to start but still insist that you are pregnant. That was how I spent Tuesday and Wednesday. So after starting to have PMS symptoms on Thurs-Fri last week, I was expected my period Monday. Well, when dear old Aunt Flo didn't show Monday or Tuesday, I started to think 'maybe...' By Wednesday, I was convinved. I wasn't going to have to do fertility treatments, I was going to have a Christmas baby, I'd be through my first trimester by my birthday- oh I had it all planned out from when I'd take the test to how we'd tell every single person I know. In hindsight, I was of course pathetic, self damaging and perhaps delusional...

So when my period came this morning, I had to abandon old reliable denial and return to rationalization... December was probably not the best time, an April baby will be better, with the fertility drugs we have increased odds of twins which would be better given my fertility difficulties, I still need to lose a little more weight before I start gaining it, yadda yadda yadda.

So now that I am out of the land of crazy sad denial, I can finally write about Monday and about the plan. And in a way I am relieved. I mean, of course not that I'm not pregnant but that at least I KNOW I'm not and can stop freaking out and going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to check...

Anyway- Monday. Well, I had this great plan in my head that we'd go on Clomid and have IUI with the clomid (the dr had mentioned the IUI) and I'd do it three months in a row (May, June, July) and even though I've read some low success stats, I figured that wouldn't apply to me. I mean, I just have a tilted uterus and nothing else wrong. Surely Clomid and IUI would work a charm for me and by July, I'd be blissfully pregnant.

Well, I was wrong on many accounts. First of all, the dr doesn't think the tilted uterus alone can really account for our year of failed attempts so he could classify us as 'unexplained infertility' which seems to mean something is really wrong but we don't know what so we'll just randomly start doing things and hope something works. Awesome!

Secondly, given I ovulate regularly already, there is not a lot of potential benefit from Clomid and the dr said we'd have a 10% chance on any given month of it working. This was a huge blow to me- surely it would be like 20-30 if not higher! I mean, I said to Al but we had a 25% chance any normal month- how can it not be any higher with all that. He pointed out that healthy fertile couples have a 25% chance- we probably only ever had like a 2% chance so it is increasing our chances. If we do injectibles (shots), we'd have a 30% chance and if we do IVF, we'd have a 60% chance- all that based on our diagnosis, my age and the clinic's success rates.

Well, the best part of the whole thing is that Al and I left and had separately come to the same conclusion- that being that clomid kinda seemed like a waste of time and money for us. The dr recommended that if we did try clomid, we do so for only 2 or 3 months so we'd be looking at 2-3000 dollars and at best a 20-30% chance. And chances are we'd still end up needing to do the injectibles. Now the injectibles+IUI have a 30% chance each cycle so we figure if we do them 3 times in a row, odds are high we'll end up pregnant. So, in Al's business oriented mind- 3 rounds of IUI are the best odds for your buck. And in my mind, I can't handle three failed rounds of Clomid. So we agreed to skip Clomid and go straight to injectibles.

And we are very blessed because we are able to make this choice financially because my parents are actually paying for the treatment which is just massive. Like I feel so blessed every time I think about that. And so even though injectibles are 2500 dollars instead of 1000, my dad is happy for us to start there.

There's a couple of things about it that are particularly hard for me to come to terms with though. First of all, the shots. I am a baby about shots and the idea of Al having to give me daily shots is pretty terrifying for me. It's a lot less pleasant than my previous plan to swallow a Clomid down with a nice Coke Zero. Secondly, there is still only a 30% so no matter how you look at, there's a 70% chance it won't work. If I told you there was a 70% chance of rain tomorrow, you'd assume it would rain. Now this is the part where I am really trying to trust in God and not numbers and believe that God is not bound by odds so I am choosing to live in faith that it will work! Plus, it's 30% per attempt so it's much higher that it will work after 3 months.

Ok, and my third concern and probably the one I am having the hardest time with is- the way it all works, I cannot count on a timeline for our three IUIs. If they find I have too many mature follicles (more than 4), they won't follow through with the IUI. Which I know makes sense and we are not open to selective reduction so it really is essential because especially your first round, 5 follicles could lead to quintuplets and we can't handle that! But it just means that even though we're starting injectibles next month, there's no gaurantee we'll even get to try that month. Especially the first month, we don't know how I'll respond to the drugs and they'll be the most cautious. For your first one, they may not go forward even with 4 eggs. So that kinda does my head in because I can't know when we'll get our first real attempt. Then there's also a risk you develop cysts and have to have time off between injectible cycles. So I worry that if it took 3 IUIs, that could somehow manage to take like 9 months- argh!

But for now, I just have to take it one step at a time and embrace the potential and the positive. While all of these worst case scenarios could be true, I could also respond well the first time, have 3 eggs (that's what I am hoping for) and get pregnant on my first IUI- with twins, even better! So there's so much to worry about and so much risk in every direction but there's hope so I choose hope.

So that's my week. I will write again about Al's job interview (!!!) but I am happy to say that in the midst of the storm and despite no good news on our ttc front, I do feel God's peace and that is enough for today.