One more night before trigger

Tonight will be my last night of meds before I trigger tomorrow night for my back to back IUIs. I had my monitoring appointment today which was very exciting because I had a 18mm, 17mm, 16mm, 14mm and 12mm. Based on their patterns so far, it looks like they will grow at least 2 and maybe 3 mm before I trigger tomorrow night since I took more shots tonight. That means I'd have a 20mm, 19mm, 18mm, 16mm and 12mm. Which with my good estrogen levels should mean... 4 MATURE FOLLICLES!!!

I'm so excited since that was my goal for this cycle and I've worried a lot it wouldn't happen. Plus, thanks to the Ganirelix, I won't be surging early this time so my IUIs should be timed perfectly. So, all in all, I think it's justified to get a bit excited and optimistic again!

In other news, we had a big talk with my parents today and we are all happy and in agreement that if this IUI doesn't work, we will start birth control to get ready for a July IVF. It's a pretty big decision, financially and emotionally. We've all prayed about it and all agreed it was the right course of action. We are paying part of it and my parents are helping paying part of it and I think everyone was happy with what we worked out. Of course we hope it won't come to that but I needed to know what we would do next. For now, we will only do one IVF and any FETS available. Financially, a second IVF wouldn't be an option at this point and that's ok. Worst case scenario, we can always wait a year and save back up if need be...

So, we are feeling hopeful for this cycle and at peace for where we will go if this cycle doesn't work and for today, that's all I can ask for.

Cheered up by the dildo cam

Ok, I have to admit- I kinda love transvaginal ultrasounds. not in a creepy wand inserted up me by my strangely attractive female nurse way... but I love updates, I love seeing that the meds are doing something, I love hope and optimism and all the good stuff the first ultrasound on meds brings.

Today after 3 nights of shots I had my first ultrasound and everything looks great. 1 12mm and 3 10mm follicles- 2 on both sides. With them being so close in size and with my being on ganrilex to prevent surging on my own, it's looking great for 4 mature follicles this month! Which was my goal. Honestly, at the point, I wouldn't care if there were 8 mature follicles but the dr really didn't want more than 4 because even though I didn't get pregnant at all with 2, there is apparently still a risk of high order multiples (which in my head- no babies with 2 means 4 babies with 4 seems impossible) but anyway, 4 is a great number. Twice as many as last time but without lots of risk either.

I do worry a lot still- after all I did have 5 follicles growing this time last cycle but only 2 bigger ones and three smaller ones. So 4 around the same is better. And the ganrilex will make the big difference because I could have had four last time if I hadn't started surging first. And I'm also worried that the nurse seems to think it'll be ok to not see me over the three day weekend. I think I'm going to have to fuss about that when i go in Friday again.

But all things considered, I feel better today. I started to get excited for this chance. Which is dangerous I know but what else can you do. If I assume it won't work I'm depressed and pretty sad all month. Maybe I'd rather be happy for the next three weeks, even at the price of a likely complete breakdown again. So against all logic and reason, the hope is coming back... creeping back in. And I think I might just let it. Because this last week without hope has just sucked the life out of me. So I hope this cycle works- it could and I still believe in miracles. So I'll pray and hope.

Struggling to find my hope again

Well, I had my first shot again last night so we're off and running again. As relieved as I was on Thursday to find out I would be able to start again, it has still been very difficult. I was so emotional yesterday and I think it was partly starting a procedure that didn't work the first time and going through it all over again but without that initial optimism and with full knowledge of how yuck all the hormones make me feel. I'm hoping that by the end of the week, after a couple of ultrasounds, I'll be feeling hopeful and excited again. but i guess you just can't force it.

I had an interesting weekend. I had about 4 hours of training at Gap Baby which was ok. I mean, the maternity section made me feel sad and the cute baby clothes filled me longing but it didn't send me into fits of tears or anything dramatic. So I hope the business of it will outweigh the inevitable being surrounded by babies and make it an overall positive. Hoping to spend more time in the Kids section sicne 5-8 year olds don't affect me.

I got all emotional yesterday about the financial side of this all. My parents paid for our last IUIs and will these ones and I am so grateful and yet, it totallys sucks as well. I'm so happy they did this for us but it just makes me feel so guilty. Like I am this burden to them because I can't get pregnant on my own. And I had mentioned to my mom in my mourning stage last week that if this injectibles/IUI cycle doesn't work, I want to move on to IVF. Then she said yesterday we need to have a family meeting to discuss IVF since it's such a big step. And I felt really bad because I wasn't just assuming they'd fork over the 15thousand. I just was emotional and trying to think of something that made me feel better and 'at least there's still ivf' made me feel better. So we're going to think and pray a lot about our 'next step' and talk all together this weekend.

And again, so grateful. But also it's hard because I wish Al and I coul just decide the two of us how and when we'll have a baby. It sucks that my parents have to even be involved in this. It just all makes me frustrated and sad. I do think they will give us the money for IVF but I hate having to take it, I really do. But I can't give up and not try everything possible to get pregnant. So I don't know what we'll do. From a purely practical standpoint, I should start IVF next month. I'm on school holidays. Drs appointments are easy, wouldn't have to miss school, I could be on as much bed rest as I wanted, etc. I guess the issue is- should I do another IUI + injectibles cycle in hopes of avoiding IVF (but if we do have to do it, that's a waste of 4thousand dollars!) or should I take a month off before IVF to emotionally prepare for it and so I'm not planning on this failing during it. Which makes sense but would then mean being in the middle of my first IVF right at the beginning of a new school year. Yuck. So I really want this cycle to work but if it doesn't, I really would like to use this summer to do IVF. But we'll see what the dr and my parents think about that.

I'm feeling really frustrated with most of my friends which sucks. I am going through a big, no one understands how hard this is phase and pretty much everything anyone says upsets and enrages me and then people saying nothing offends me. I'm impossible, I know. Well, that's not entirely true. My brother sent the sweetest text basically saying "i'm sorry, hang in there"- simple and kind. My parents have been great and Al has been wonderful. But too many people knew I think. I had to tell 7 people at work because I missed so many classes for drs appts and then was out at the last minute for 2 days and had to get people to help subs. And so I told people I didn't want to talk about it and for a couple of days that went well. The worst was this one co-worker. She is my co-teacher in my class with special ed kids and she's really not my friend. I only told her because I had to mention being out for another dr appt and she asked 'so are you trying to get pregnant or do you have leukemia or something.' And although I definitely thought about lying and making up a disease, I opted for telling the truth. So I didn't even want her to know. Then on Wednesday (2 days after POAS BFN and the day of my negative beta), she says to me during my class, 'hey, I know what you should do. You should buy a 2 seater red convertible and just enjoy riding around with just you and your husband." Ok, I bit my tongue and managed to only say 'i don't want to talk about it right now'. but I felt like saying "actually I won't be buying a convertible because I have to spend all my money on fertility treatments and I can't go on random road trips because I will be at the dr's office every other day and don't make such insensitive comments because it hurts that it's only my husband and I and we will need a back seat one day you bitch so leave me alone!" Seriously. People need to think before they speak.

This afternoon is our WTF appointment so I better go make my list of Qs or I'll forget one. Maybe it'll make me feel better somehow...

Take 2

I haven't properly written about our BFN because for the last 48 hours, I've pretty much felt like I was in a haze and I was just trying to survive by being in denial. I mean, I didn't think I was pregnant- I just pretended I hadn't just gone through all this and focused on school big time. It worked because I survived and I'm starting to feel better.

Today was my dr's appt- the one I had been looking forward to until Tuesday and which then quickly became the day I was dreading. I was so emotional about the whole thing- going to the dr to be told you're not pregnant just seemed cruel. The nurse could find blood in one arm and jabbed a nerve and I nearly just lost it and sobbed. But then they said I could go ahead and do my baseline. No cysts so the good news is I'll get to start my injections again on Sunday and even though it's sad we have to go through it again, I am happier knowing I will be moving on from this disappointment and start hoping for the next cycle. Also, my dr is putting me on a new drug also. Don't remember the name but it will keep me from ovulating on my own. Last time I had to trigger because I was already surging but I only had two mature follicles. Not that that prevented it from working. But, I really want 4 follicles this time. So thanks to this drug, my body won't 'jump the gun' and we can give it time for 4 follicles to mature.

I'm just grateful we're doing something different. It gives me some hope that there is a reason why this could end up with a different result than last time. I mean, 4 eggs instead of 2 would be twice the chance or something. I also found out that my estrogen and fsh were nice and low which is good.

So, I'm starting to come back to life. I think planning for the next cycle has helped give me closure on this cycle.

In other news, I applied for a part time summer job (I'm a teacher) at gap and ended up getting a call from Gap Kids and I was so excited that I was pregnant that I thought it'd be perfect so I interviewed for it etc. Today I officially got offered the position and have 12 hours of training next week. It's crazy that I have to spend next week in a store with baby and maternity clothes. I know I could say I can't do the job anymore but I still think it'll be good for me. The 2ww is going to seem much longer when I'm not teaching so part time job wouldn't hurt. Plus, I'll get pregnant eventually and then 50% off maternity and baby clothes!!!

More later- funny story about a colleague's ridiculously insensitive comment. I actually need to write a whole post about the crazy insensitive crap fertile people say! I've just learned to laugh about it or I'd become a very bitter person!

BFN

Hubby decided we should go ahead and test due to my distressed state. It was BFN. We're really disappointed. It was our first round of injectibles and IUI so we knew a first time BFP was unlikely but we still hoped and believed. I'm not shocked, though. After so many negative tests, it's what I've come to expect, honestly. Don't have it in me to write more now though.

AF seems to be packed and ready to arrive

Despite my optimistic post yesterday, things seemed to have taken a turn for the worst as today I woke up with all my PMS symptoms. Most notably the bad nausea (i get nausceous a couple of days before my period) and back pain and some minor cramping. No bleeding yet but it seems faily inevitable. I don't know if the bleeding will hold off until Thursday or not since I am on progesterone.

I am devastated. And I know so many people go through a negative treatment cycle and I know we were only ever given a 30% chance of success, but somehow it still comes as a horrible shock and pain. I think I'd thought I'd find out Thursday so i didn't expect to get my period or any symptoms before so it's just not something I prepared myself for.

Of course, part of me thinks it's not over til it's over but with so many PMS symptoms springing up on the day I should start my period, it's pretty hard to keep hoping now. I'm so sad.

longest 2 weeks ever...

So it's Monday and my beta is Thursday and I'm not testing until then. Trust me, it's no evidence of my own self control- Al really doesn't want to test early. He doesn't want to risk days of being sad but still hoping- he just wants to know the answer and go from there. So it's particularly hard now because I know I'm already either pregnant or not and that a test would probably tell me. But I wait.

I don't know how to know if I feel pregnant or not because I've never had an HSG trigger or been on progesterone suppositories so everything I feel is new. I've never had a BFP so I have no point of comparison for anything. But, for what it is worth, I feel pregnant. It could totally be the progesterone but I'd still rather feel pregnant that not you know?

I feel nausceous and it's been getting worse and I feel just pinchy and weird in my abdomen. Not sure cramping is the best word but something weird. I'm exhausted. The symptom I'm most definitely most being a loser about is my breasts (and when it involves touching my own breasts like 100 times a day, it definitely means I'm crazy) because I NEVER get sore breasts at all with my period or anything. I am small so I just thought maybe I wouldn't get that symptom. But, after my trigger I had sore nipples and breasts for like 2-3 days so I made a mental note that hcg in my system causes sore breasts. Then they got better and now they are sore again. But probably not as sore as they were those two days. And this morning they didn't feel as sore. Then again, the real soreness could be associated with the sudden hormone change of a trigger vs gradual hormones building up... So what does that mean???

See, crazy. I am totally insane. And really really nervous. A post treatment BFN would be new and horrible. How do I survive the next 3 days when I know Thursday will either be the best day ever or lead to a complete sobbing breakdown?

So I'm going crazy!

Today marks my halfway point in the 2ww and today I was a total hypochondriac crazy lady and went to the dr after having cramps and pain. I have had mild discomfort since my trigger and it was getting a little better and then it got a little worse again yesterday. Then today I had really bad abdominal cramping. I felt pretty crap all day and then around noon, it got really intense and I was in like hurts to walk pain in my abdomen. So of course I freak out and call the RE and they tell me to come in since it could be OHSS.

By the time I get there, the pain is better although still present and so I have an ultrasound and my ovaries are a reasonable size (no OHSS), I have a little fluid around my ovaries and on one side my remaining follicles/corpeus letuem etc shows indications of bleeding which is apparently 'normal' and wouldn't hurt if I didn't have four on that side. Apparently it doens't affect chances of conception- phew! but will cause discomfort. As a positive, my lining was still nice and thick which was good to see!

So I think I've become that crazy person who thinks something is wrong with her and rushes off to the dr. But I was really nervous and I thought it was better to be safe than sorry.

Perhaps I just have a stomach bug (you know like normal people get and don't rush off and insist on an ultrasound because of) or perhaps it's somehow related to implantation (i'm 7 and 8 days past iui)- who knows? Either way, I kinda feel like an idiot!

Dear Baby 1

Hi sweet baby,

You are only a few cells big, just making your big trip down the Fallopian tubes. Today is 5 days past IUI so I think you could start implanting in the next couple of days. I know this new home might look scary but know that we're doing everything we can to make your home safe and comfortable. I've been told my lining is nice and thick for you so snuggle in precious baby. Oh and if you see a brother or sister on the way, grab ahold and bring them along- we'd love it! But don't worry I totally understand if you don't want to share your birthday and all the first baby glory!

I love you so much already. You're pretty much all I think about. I have to make a real effort to think about something else! I love you so much it hurts and I am so ready to hold you and meet you. I'm really praying this is the month that you start growing inside of me. I know kids don't always do things on the timeline their parents want so if you're not ready yet, I won't give up on you. But please be ready because I'm already so in love with you and as crazy as it might sound, I miss you so much. I missed you yesterday on Mother's Day- I wished I could reach down to my belly and know you were already on your way.

You are going to have a life filled with so much love. In some ways, I'm trying to enjoy all the things in life that I know will be different when you are here. Like keeping the house messy or going out to eat on a whim or sleeping in on weekends. But know I'd trade it all in a heartbeat and never look back when you're ready to come live in me.

Your daddy loves you so much too. He's so ready to love on you. You should see how much he loves Lucy, your fur sister. It's crazy how much you are going to have him wrapped around your little finger. He's going to be the best dad. He's so relaxed and never gets annoyed so you can cry and give it your best and he'll keep his cool. He's really trying to get a full time job so we can buy you lots of toys and clothes but if he doesn't, he'll get to stay home with you while I go back to work and I'll be crazy jealous. but you two will have the best time. You are so lucky. There are lots of babies concieved whose daddies don't want them and you have a daddy who is counting down the days until we get to see you.

Oh and then there is your Nana and Gramps. They are just made to be grandparents and they are going to spoil you rotten. You will adore them, they are the best. Nana will make sure you wear the cutest clothes and have the best of everything. And Gramps will teach you to play cards and golf, but he won't let you win so be prepared for that. He's been the best dad in the world and you are so lucky that he will be your grandpa. Plus, he's building the most amazing house and every time I am there, I can hear your little pitter patters running down the halls. You have two other wonderful grandparents who live far away but will love you and coo over you over Skype!

Oh sweet baby, please hang on for dear life. I know God has amazing plans for you and he's going to take care of you. So grow on and grab on and I can't wait to really get excited for you next week when I know this is real. And I can't wait to love you until the day I die.

I love you with all my heart, darling babe.
Love Mommy

Like being single on Valentine's Day!

I was determined that I wasn't going to be sad on Mother's Day. After all, at 3 days past my 2nd IUI, I might very well be a mother myself today. And I wanted to focus on celebrating my own wonderful mother. Dh and I had a delightful week together, even with all the fertility craziness, so I was feeling happy. Needless to say, I didn't see the breakdown coming!

We woke up and enthusiastically head off for church. Well, enthusiastically is a bit of an overstatment as I would have liked to stay home but we skipped last week and are going out of town next weekend (trying to break up the dreaded 2ww) so I really needed a church fix.

Anyway, so we get there and during the first song 'because of jesus, i'm alive', parents start walking out with infants. And I get a little lump in my throat but I'm like ok. Well, it just keeps coming. By the end of the song, there are 85 infants and 190 smug parents on the stage. I'm starting to get really emotional. Al leans over and is like 'did everyone but us get pregnant in the last year?' and he was laughing like 'seriously- more cute babies!' meanwhile, I'm tearing up because the sight of all those beautiful babies and wanting one so badly and not knowing when I will have one was getting too much. And just witnessing the intense fertility of the normal population- agh, too much.

Then the pastor says if you are a mother, stand up. And seriously, I'm like the only woman who isn't 14 standing up. So I lose it then and start crying. Why do I have to clap for these women like I am less of a woman because I haven't been able to get pregnant? The pastor starts going on and on about how the sign of a healthy church is lots of babies. Which I don't even understand but all my head could hear was healthy = babies.

But I'm determined to stick it out, figuring he'll pray over all the babies and they will go away and it'll be back to a normal service. But no, he then starts to go through the families one by one and introduce the parents and baby, talk about sibling and make comments about how cute the babies are. By this point, my subtle tears are on the verge of full heaving sobs so wonderful husband suggests we head out and get a coffee or something and come back before the sermon. I was happy to get out before I made a fool of myself and once we were happily driving through Starbucks I decided we couldn't go back. So we went home and picked up our gorgeous puppy and headed over to my parents house for brunch and visiting with my mom.

In the end, it was a fine day. I enjoyed my parents and was happy to honor my mom. But all those babies, it was just more than I could deal with. I think I just have to accept that as determined as I am to be strong and optimistic, there are moments when my emotions will get the best of me and that's ok.

Anyway, that was my day. I'm determined I'll be a mother by next mother's day (or at least pregnant, surely) so hopefully I won't have to go through this again. And now that we're through it, I must admit it's almost comical. Like really- 85 babies! Are you kidding me???

IUI 1 done!!!

So I may be officially pregnant now!!! We just had our first IUI and after worrying about it for 24 hours, it looked like everything went perfectly.

My first panic was that I was already surging that morning of my shot but the dr assured me that since it was the same day as the shot, it was not a problem at all. In fact, the timing for this morning's IUI would have been perfect and likely tomorrow's will also be still in time to catch the eggs.

My second panic was that they told us to have intercourse last night since dh has good counts so that we leave get some sperm there before ovulation as well. Then this morning when dh collected his sample (to me stripping for him, lol), it was like the saddest small sample ever. So I was really panicking. I was convinced there couldn't be any sperm in that. But his sample had 25.5 million grade A swimmers which they said was plenty for an IUI so that was a huge relief! Oh and i was also panicking because it took us over an hour to get there so I was worried the sperm that were there were dying!

Oh the joys of fertility treatments. Anyway, they said that the 3rd eggie probably made it due to my high estrogen levels yesterday so 3 mature eggs and 25.5 million sperms all carefully placed next to one another... Fertilize baby Fertilize!!!

Off to get a massage so I can relax and then I have IUI number 2 tomorrow. Fun times!!! But after worrying for a couple of days, I'm now to my new stage of believing I am pregnant!

Surging before an ovidrel shot? Ok?

So I went back to the dr today and saw that I had 2 17 follies ready to go, a 14 borderline follie and two 13 follies. If I went one more day, I could easily end up with 5 so the dr thought it best to go ahead for tomorrow.
Which ended up being irrelevant because my bloodwork showed I was surging already. So my body is trying to ovulate already on its own. Which is not a disaster but just means my IUIs might be a bit later than ideal. As a result they told us to have intercourse tonight to cover this time as well.
I'm really very nervous about the whole thing but I figure at 930 today I hadn't ovulated and my IUI is 10am tomorrow so even if I have already ovulated, my eggs should make it 24 hours minimum so surely even if I ovulated as soon as I left the dr, tomorrow's IUI should still have a shot?
But it annoys me that we have to lower dh's sperm count for tomorrow by bding tonight when I don't have any faith we can get pregnant without an IUI. Anyway, I know I have to have trust in the drs and more importantly in God. I need to stop worrying about it and trust that tomorrow there will be 2 or 3 eggs right in time for the IUI and that we will get pregnant!
Please be praying for us. Does anyone know anything about surging before the ovidrel shot? We are still doing the shot, btw.

Monitoring Appointment 2

Just got back from my second monitoring appointment and I'm a bit irrationally upset. On friday I had 5 follicles, 4 bigger and 1 smaller. Today I had 4 follicles, 2 bigger and 2 smaller. I had spent the weekend being really excited about 4 eggs. It just seemed so full of possibility- more likely to get pregnant, more likely to get twins, all very exciting. And now it looks like only 2 may make it for the big day. I am still really happy about those two and I know two is better than one but I really did want at least three. I mean, after all the money and pain that these shots are, I am only getting one extra egg out of the deal. Anyway, I'm praying one of the other two catch up. I go back on Wednesday and I may end up injecting the Ovidrel that day or I may go one more day. Hopefully I will get to go one more day since that will give the two lagging eggs a greater chance to catch up.

This whole process is such a roller coaster. Nothing is wrong and I have absolutely no good reason to be sad. But, rationally or not, I feel like if there are only 2 eggs that make it, my chances of getting pregnant cut in half and that's just not good in my eyes.

Anyway, hang in there darling follicles and try to catch up. I am rooting for you all to make it to the big day!