10 Weeks!

I have been a terrible blogger recently. I can't really blame being busy or anything. It's partly just that this pregnancy has been delightfully smooth so far and so I don't have a lot of venting I need to do. This blog started because I was so frustrated with infertility and felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. I needed an outlet for all my pain and frustration. Now, I am not frustrated and can talk to pretty much anyone about my pregnancy so I just haven't had the need. BUT, I do want to make more of an effort to document this pregnancy and put down all my milestones on paper. So I am going to try to get back to my weekly surveys- with or without pictures. With strange work shifts etc, I've struggled to routinely take my picture every week so I will put it up when I do.

How Far Along?
10 weeks 1 day

Baby's Size?
Well my What to Expect App told me prune but I read strawberry somewhere else which is so much cuter. Apparently since I am now '11 weeks' the babies are on the way to be the size of a lime!

Weight Gain?
As of a week ago, 3 lbs but I'm sure I've gained another lb or two this week. I'm really starting to show- well, I don't think an outsider would think I was pregnant- just getting fat!

Symptoms?
All of them. So ready for the 2nd trimester to hopefully bring some relief. Taking Zofran every day to try and keep the nausea at bay. Terrible heartburn at nights. Other random things- leg cramps, fatigue etc but the nausea and heartburn are the worst.

Cravings?
I rarely feel hungry for anything but I do eat still. Eating bread tends to make me feel better. Apparently it soaks up stomach acid or something like that. Also loving lemonade.

Maternity Clothes?
Most of my pre-pregnancy pants no longer button or they do but feel uncomfortably tight. So I either wear a couple of one size bigger jeans or maternity jeans. Still wearing normal tops. I'm working at GAP for another couple of weeks so I've already stocked up on my maternity wardrobe while I have my discount!

Stretch Marks?
No and I have the cocoa butter stuff I'm going to start spreading on myself to prevent it.

Sleep?
Pretty good at the moment.

Movement?
I can't feel it and won't for many more weeks. But we can see them moving during the ultrasounds. Baby A is super active and wiggles around lots!

Best Moment of the Week?
Seeing the babies yesterday. Baby A had hiccups- so cute!!!

Gender?
I am convinced there is one girl but I don't know if it's one of each or two girls!

What I miss?
Not feeling nausceous. Also our RE has us on sex probation until 12 weeks which is a bit ridiculous but I couldn't live with myself if we did and something happened so we're waiting and that is definitely very old!

What I'm looking forward to?
Hitting 12 weeks. I'm not particularly nervous about things- seeing the babies every week really helps! Still it'll be great to hit that milestone. Also hoping to start feeling better then!

Milestones?
Graduated from the RE (an important milestone but kinda sad- I really like them!)
No more progesterone suppositories- hooray!

Emotions?
I tear up at every touching moment on TV shows. I sometimes feel nervous- less about the pregnancy and more like 'omg, we're going to have TWO infants in our house in 6 months'. But the overwhelming emotion I feel is happiness and joy and intense LOVE for my two amazing babies.

8 weeks!

I haven't posted in forever because I have been sick and also busy with my mother in law being in town and then a work conference. But things are progressing very well- the babies are growing nicely and seeing them once a week is such a joy! We only have two more scans with the fertility dr which is kinda exciting and kinda sad at the same time (i love my weekly viewings of my babies!)

Anyway, I feel like crap pretty much all the time but I won't complain because I just feel very pregnant and that's a wonderful thing. Less than 4 weeks now until I get to 12 weeks which is very exciting!

6 Weeks!!!

I think the angle on this photo is a bit funny and there's a bad shadow on it but there's no real change from last week anyway.

How Far Along?
6 weeks 2 days

Baby's Size:
apparently the babies are the size of a blueberry but it also says .25in so I'm thinking a pretty small blueberry!

Weight Gain:
up .2lb since I found out so no real weight gain yet which is good

Symptoms:
ugh, SO much nausea but no vomiting. I feel better in the afternoon but mornings and evenings are rough. No appetite. I feel hot a lot and have leg cramps. But my face is super clear and I'm not throwing up so it could definitely be worse! Plus, I love having some symptoms because it feels more real. Especially how much sicker I've felt this last week, great sign!

Cravings:
Nothing sounds good to me at all. But I'm enjoying this yummy Greek yogurt my mother in law bought.

Maternity Clothes:
Nope.

Stretch Marks:
Nope.

Sleep:
I am really tired and fall right asleep at like 10pm (despite sleeping in until 8am). I usually wake up once during the night burning up and feeling awful but I do get back to sleep.

Best Moment of the Week:
Seeing two heartbeats fluttering away at the ultrasound! Also, hubby and his mom have cleaned out and painted our nursery yellow which is wonderful.

Movement:
Nope.

Gender:
This week I'm think it's two girls. No real good reason though so who knows!

What I miss:
My appetite!

What I'm looking forward to:
Getting to 12 weeks will be so wonderful. Still a while away but with having seen the heartbeats, I guess it's the next big thing.

Milestones:
Two heartbeats!

Emotions:
Being sick and tired isn't fun but I'm really happy and it's starting to feel more real (partly due to the sickness no doubt!) It still feels like it's such wonderful news I must be dreaming!

2 Beautiful Beating Hearts!

We had an ultrasound yesterday at 5w6d and I had prepared myself not to see a heartbeat yet since it was early. But, we saw the most wonderful sight- two beautiful fluttering tiny hearts! One was too hard to measure and the other measured tentatively at 119. We'll get slightly better measurements next week.

I'm so overjoyed- seeing both of their heartbeats made it seem much more real. The babies are measuring 1 day apart which is normal apparently and I don't need to come back for a whole week- hooray.

It still feels surreal that I am pregnant- much less that I am pregnant with twins! Mind you the non-stop nausea does provide a nice reminder! It's all so exciting.

5 Weeks Picture and Survey

How Far Along?
5 weeks and 2 days!

Baby's Size:
As I'm in my 6th week, What To Expect tells me my babies are the size of sweet peas!

Weight Gain:
Well, none in the last week! I still feel bloated from the fertility treatments so I may be up a couple of pounds from the good old days!

Symptoms:
LOTS! Nausea in the morning and complete lack of appetite. Then at like noon, my appetite returns with a vengeance and I could eat anything in sight! but if I eat greasy food (which sounds oh so delicious) I can count on heartburn my nighttime. Leg cramps at night. Occasional shooting pains in my side- dr said it's due to my giant grapefruit sized ovaries! My boobs are super sore and my nipples look funny. Loving all the symptoms!

Cravings:
Hamburgers- greasy cheesy hamburgers. I'm disgusting, I know.

Maternity Clothes:
Not wearing any but I did buy three tops today with my GAP employees discount just for fun!

Stretch Marks:
Oh that's a scary thing to think about.

Sleep:
I am exhausted in the evenings and fall straight asleep but I wake up at some point during the night in sweats and lay wide awake for hours until I wear myself back out and sleep for a couple of more hours.

Best Moment of the Week:
Seeing our TWO babies at the ultrasound! Hands down best moment!

Movement:
Looking forward to that one day!

Gender:
I am thinking one boy and one girl- stats are on my side with that prediction!

What I miss:
Well nothing since I love being pregnant but a little bit I do miss being allowed to have sex since we're on probation until informed otherwise.

What I'm looking forward to:
Seeing heartbeatS sometime in the next week+

Milestones:
First Ultrasound, Finding out it's TWINS

Emotions:
I was so nervous before the ultrasound and now I feel so overjoyed and still it feels a bit surreal. Like I can't believe any of these wonderful things are actually happening!

It's TWINS!!!!

Just a short update for now but after worrying myself sick for the past three days, we went for our ultrasound. My mom and hubby came along so it was intense! She found one baby right away- yolk sac included. It was awesome- really clear! Then she moved the wand and there was another one!!! Almost the exact same size, also with a yolk thing! Then we got the picture of them next to each other- it was SO cool!!! I'll post the pic next week- didn't bring a USB to get the electronic copy. We are OVERJOYED!!! Oh and my hcg today was over 5000-amazing!! Best day ever! I'm so in love with my babies!

Ultrasound and Beat anxiety

So I was determined not to panic the whole first trimester and that I was going to be positive and enjoy this pregnancy. And I lasted like 9 days! Then I had Beta 3 four days after beta 2. My number was 881 and the nurse who called me confidently said that my numbers were good and everything looked great and they'd see me for my ultrasound we had already scheduled for thursday. But then I got home and started calculating and looking at tables and charts and decided given I was at 375 at 15dpo, it should have been over 1000 not 881. So I panicked, worried I was miscarrying and finally called the dr office back in a tizzy.

I finally heard back like 5 hours later and the nurse again did not seem concerned but did humor me and got out a calculator and said if they had gone up 60% every 48 hours, I should have been a bit over 900. So it was a small amount under expected levels but nothing to be worried about. Number change all the time and it will probably surge again and be a lot higher in a few days. Happens all the time. Also she said it was possible I had a twin pregnancy and lost one of the two or one is going much slower than the other and that could explain it. Either way my levels are still high for 19dpo and did still go up a lot so apparently there is no reason to worry. I offered to come back in but they said not necessary, just come thursday, no reason to worry.

So I know given the dr told me not to worry, I shouldn't but of course I am worried. And I still have about 36 hours until the ultrasound- omg, it's killing me. And i'm worried about every symptom even though I don't doubt they are just pregnancy symptoms. Like why does my back hurt a bit- probably because of hormones or reaching up and stacking clothes at work all day. No bleeding and no cramping so no real reason to worry...

Anyway, must not go crazy and worry myself sick... easier said than done, of course! Anyway, if you're reading, please pray for a beautiful sac on Thursday morning!

4 Weeks Pictures

I guess this is really my 'before' picture although I already feel really bloated and pooched out from the fertility meds and progesterone.

I'll do the weekly surveys starting next week but for this week, it's just all about the BFP and doubling betas!!!

15 DPO beta = 375!

Hooray for a more than doubling beta!!!
It's funny because I'm really not anxious at this point- I know in my head that a lot of things could still go wrong but i feel really good about this pregnancy. But those few hours between having blood taken and getting the phone call are no good for me. I start worrying more and more 'what if it's not doubling?' 'what if it's going down?' etc. So it was wonderful news! Plus, it keeps the twins dream alive a bit longer- definitely a high enough number to be 2! We will have our first ultrasound end of next week so it will be great to know the number. I'll be so excited and kinda relieved about one but as long as I think it could be twins, I seem to picture 2. So knowing for sure will be awesome. I say it's about 50/50 that it's one or two. Mind you, since I had 4 eggs, it could always be 3 but I'm not even going there because that's just scary!

No more bloodwork until Monday so three days to soak up being pregnant without thinking about what my numbers would/should be!

Picture of my BFP!!

Not a glamorous picture of me at all- had no makeup on but I had to take a picture when I found out for my pregnancy scrapbook I'm going to keep!

Beta 1 at 13dpo = 141!!!

I ended up having my first beta at dpo 13 since I had an early HPT positive and since tomorrow is my birthday and I didn't want to worry about it. The nurse just called and said my beta is 141 which we are thrilled with. It is a nice high number which along with just being generally reassuring means there is a good chance now its twins!! Of course we won't know for a while and high betas certainly don't always mean twins but I read the average for a singleton at 13dpo is 62 and the average for twins at 13dpo is 123 so it is certainly possible. We'll be over the moon with one trust me and there are certainly advantages but twins is such a wonderful concept to us so we'll enjoy the fantasy for a couple more weeks until the ultrasound! Beta number 2 on Thursday so we're praying for some doubling!!!

Ok so I tested early and...

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So extremely excited! Like crazy so happy relieved excited.
We just told my parents- they have been very involved in this whole process so it was a great joy to share the good news with them.

The background story- I felt really pms-y and backachy and nausceous (which I get with pms) starting Friday night. I had tested Thursday morning at 8dpiui just to make sure the trigger was out and it was. I didn't test Friday or Saturday and was feeling progressively more yuck. In hindsight, it was not the same as pms but that was what it felt most like. Anyway, by Saturday night I was crying to hubby that I was sure it'd be negative because i felt like my period was already on its way. He said no he was sure I was pregnant because I'd been so irritable and emotional! I declared "I know my own body and I'm not pregnant!"

Then just to show him I was right, I went and tested. It was like 9pm, I'd peed like an hour before and for like a minute all I could see was the one pink line so i was sure it was negative. Then, a faint line started to appear!!! I start shouting, omg there's a faint line!!! Within a couple more minutes, it was light but clear. Still, to be sure I then whipped out a digital test and the little clock symbol was there for what felt like forever. I'd read if pregnant it will often show up right away so I thought it'd be negative and then I'd have to decide whether I believe the pink line or the words.

BUT- the best word I'd ever read popped up "pregnant". It was the most amazing moment when I saw it appear. Hubby and I jumped up and down and squeeled in excitement- it was seriously one of the most joyous moments in my life.

We celebrated this morning with brunch at Cheesecake Factory and then told my parents and a couple of friends who knew what we have been going through. We know that it's early but most pregnant people find out from an HPT and get excited so we will too! Oh and I tested again the morning and the line was darker!

Beta is Wednesday but I'm not nervous anymore because I'm Pregnant!!!

To test or Not to test...

Last time in our naively excited state of thinking we did an IUI, surely we'll be pregnant, hubby insisted that I not POAS until the beta so we could have that wonderful big moment. Of course, we didn't last quite that long when I started spotting and cramping 2 days before so we got our BFN early. I hated not testing those last couple of days- knowing i could know and be out of my waiting misery if I just hurried up and tested! So this time hubby agreed no big waiting until the day (especially since my beta is on my birthday and a unprepared for BFN would be a surefire way to ruin it!) So, I stocked up on tests and thought this time I'm going test crazy!!!

So just for fun I tested at 2 dpiui just to see if that second pink line is real and of course the trigger meant that I saw what a positive would look like. Then I tested today- 8 dpiui to make sure the trigger was gone and it was. But even though I knew it was too early to expect a bfp, the bfn still kinda stung.

So now I'm like should I test every day so I can either a) get the good news sooner or b) ease myself into the bad news. Like if I get a negative early on I'll lose a little hope day by day so that it's not all coming crashing down on one day. Or should I wait until like 12dpiui at least so that a) i'm spared being depressed early false bfns if I am pregnant or b) get to spend three more days enjoying being 'pupo' before facing the whole 'omg, i have to do ivf' collapse.

I'm leaning towards option b but who knows if I'll make it. I'm past my bad intuition phase and accepted that at this stage, who knows? I don't think I'd feel significantly different right now either way with the progesterone and all. So who knows? Waiting is insane- i hate it!

my woman's intuition is not good!

So, I'm not feeling pregnant at all. I don't really know what feeling pregnant is but I know I feel just like I did this time last month. So, I've gotten pretty discouraged. I know it's early- it's only one week past my first IUI so maybe it's too soon to know. I don't know. I just don't have a good feeling, a good 'intuition' about it. Last month I did have a good feeling (although not that it ended up helping!) but I've struggled to have any hope in this try the whole time. I had this rush of hope/optimism a week ago around the IUIs but now I can just feel the BFNs coming- yuck. Which means IVF which means I'm pretty depressed about it all. I haven't totally given up of course- I just don't get a good vibe!

10 things that make me smile!

My mom challenged me this week to make a list of 10 things that make me smile. I think I was giving off a serious feeling sorry for myself vibe. I was feeling too sorry for myself that night to do but I think now I'm good to be positive! So, in no particular order... 10 things that make me smile:
1) My wonderful husband- his cuddles and his silly jokes. He makes me laugh so many times a day. He is so positive and so unique and so perfect for me.
2) Mexican food. In particular, the creamy jalapeno dip at Chuy's, our favorite restaurant. Seriously, it's awesome. I'm going to limit myself to only one of ten about food so I don't seem like a glutton but I could seriously list like 15 foods that make me smile. But that'd be sad so I'll just have one.
3) My puppy. She's so funny and so cute. Today she was playing this game where she tried to sneak up on her zebra stuffed toy- hysterical.
4) My family- my parents are wonderful and so supportive and so much fun. Like I said, not in order. I do love my parents more than creamy jalapeno dip, I promise. But really they are the best parents ever. I'm very lucky.
5) Friends. I don't mean the people I hang out with- I mean Joey, Chandler, Ross, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe. Seriously there is not a tough time in my life they haven't gotten me through.
6) Teaching- well, sometimes. I had this one awesome class this year. This kid in it Harley made me laugh every day. Every day he'd say 'this is ridonculous' about something. (that wasn't a typo- he doesn't say ridiculous- he says 'ridonculous') Goofy 14 year olds make me smile!
7) My brother. He's hysterical, in this dry sense of humor sort of way. When he comes home, he makes fun of all the quirky things my parents do. it's awesome. except he's less funny now when he brings his girlfriend home but then he's super happy and sweet and that makes me smile too.
8) Bethel- so my parents are building a mansion and it's pretty awesome. I smile thinking about hanging out there. Ok, it's a bit materialistic to be happy about the mansion but I see our future there. Babies messing up the house and driving my dad crazy. So it's not just the opulent mansion but the promise of what will be there.
9) My principal at my school. I think I have a girl crush on her. She's awesome. Feeling pathetically sad about not seeing her for 2 months. And not just her- all my colleagues are awesome. They are really really funny and they make my job really funny.
10) Wedding pictures. Our wedding was perfect and looking at the pictures remind me of how wonderful it was and how happy I am that I married Al. Plus, I was really hot on my wedding day and that makes me smile too!

OMG- a whole post that didn't mention my ovaries or uterus or my crazy overanalysing my body- can you believe it? Oops, that kinda ruined it. Better go before I start complaining about how the two week wait feels like 15 years...

Stomach Pains, Last day of School, Overly Optimistic Hubby!

Lots happening here... today is the last day of school for teachers so wrapping the year up. I'm excited to sleep in and get a break from 14 year olds, although slightly dreading the extra time on my hands over the next couple of weeks particularly. I have 4 shifts next week at GAP so that should keep me out of too much obsessive Googling.

Speaking of obsessive googling, I'm having abdominal discomfort. It's hard to describe- kind of like mild period pains except more just discomfort- especially when I walk. And when I push on my tummy it hurts. I feel really swollen and yuck. I hurt a bit after my first IUI last time but by the end of the day after my second one, i was totally fine. Today is 2 days after my second IUI and it is worse today than yesterday. I don't want to be one of those panicky losers who calls the dr all the time (I went in at 7dpiui last time for a different sort of stomach pain) so I think I'll just grin and bear it. It's too early for it to be a good or bad sign. And besides, given I wasn't pregnant last month, anything feeling different to last month can only be a good sign.

In other news, Hubby is convinced I'm pregnant- with multiples! Haha! Last time I was super optimistic and he kept saying 'it's only 30% chance, don't get your hopes up too high' and this time, I'm very resigned to it not working and having to do IVF. And suddenly Al is mr optimistic this time- go figure! It's cute because he's taking super good care of me so I think I'll just milk it for all its worth.

PUPO!

My IUIs are done! Yesterday was easy breezy, today I cramped quite a bit more and feel crampy now. The nurse said that is common and due to being in the midst of ovulation now. So, ok as long as it's not a problem, I can handle some cramping. Our counts were great- 31 million and 44 million. So 4 mature follicles plus 70million sperm surely ought to one baby make!!!

Now it's time to try and forget about it- haha, much easier said than done. But I can't obsess over it this time like I did last time because it just makes it so awful if I'm not. So I'm trying to keep my hope and optimism under wraps and just know that if we are not pregnant, it will be ok and prepare myself emotionally. At the same time, I know babies and BFPs and all the like are dancing in my head constantly. So here's praying for a fast 2 weeks I guess. Although if I'm not it'll be 6 weeks before I'm PUPO again so I suppose I should enjoy it!

One more night before trigger

Tonight will be my last night of meds before I trigger tomorrow night for my back to back IUIs. I had my monitoring appointment today which was very exciting because I had a 18mm, 17mm, 16mm, 14mm and 12mm. Based on their patterns so far, it looks like they will grow at least 2 and maybe 3 mm before I trigger tomorrow night since I took more shots tonight. That means I'd have a 20mm, 19mm, 18mm, 16mm and 12mm. Which with my good estrogen levels should mean... 4 MATURE FOLLICLES!!!

I'm so excited since that was my goal for this cycle and I've worried a lot it wouldn't happen. Plus, thanks to the Ganirelix, I won't be surging early this time so my IUIs should be timed perfectly. So, all in all, I think it's justified to get a bit excited and optimistic again!

In other news, we had a big talk with my parents today and we are all happy and in agreement that if this IUI doesn't work, we will start birth control to get ready for a July IVF. It's a pretty big decision, financially and emotionally. We've all prayed about it and all agreed it was the right course of action. We are paying part of it and my parents are helping paying part of it and I think everyone was happy with what we worked out. Of course we hope it won't come to that but I needed to know what we would do next. For now, we will only do one IVF and any FETS available. Financially, a second IVF wouldn't be an option at this point and that's ok. Worst case scenario, we can always wait a year and save back up if need be...

So, we are feeling hopeful for this cycle and at peace for where we will go if this cycle doesn't work and for today, that's all I can ask for.

Cheered up by the dildo cam

Ok, I have to admit- I kinda love transvaginal ultrasounds. not in a creepy wand inserted up me by my strangely attractive female nurse way... but I love updates, I love seeing that the meds are doing something, I love hope and optimism and all the good stuff the first ultrasound on meds brings.

Today after 3 nights of shots I had my first ultrasound and everything looks great. 1 12mm and 3 10mm follicles- 2 on both sides. With them being so close in size and with my being on ganrilex to prevent surging on my own, it's looking great for 4 mature follicles this month! Which was my goal. Honestly, at the point, I wouldn't care if there were 8 mature follicles but the dr really didn't want more than 4 because even though I didn't get pregnant at all with 2, there is apparently still a risk of high order multiples (which in my head- no babies with 2 means 4 babies with 4 seems impossible) but anyway, 4 is a great number. Twice as many as last time but without lots of risk either.

I do worry a lot still- after all I did have 5 follicles growing this time last cycle but only 2 bigger ones and three smaller ones. So 4 around the same is better. And the ganrilex will make the big difference because I could have had four last time if I hadn't started surging first. And I'm also worried that the nurse seems to think it'll be ok to not see me over the three day weekend. I think I'm going to have to fuss about that when i go in Friday again.

But all things considered, I feel better today. I started to get excited for this chance. Which is dangerous I know but what else can you do. If I assume it won't work I'm depressed and pretty sad all month. Maybe I'd rather be happy for the next three weeks, even at the price of a likely complete breakdown again. So against all logic and reason, the hope is coming back... creeping back in. And I think I might just let it. Because this last week without hope has just sucked the life out of me. So I hope this cycle works- it could and I still believe in miracles. So I'll pray and hope.

Struggling to find my hope again

Well, I had my first shot again last night so we're off and running again. As relieved as I was on Thursday to find out I would be able to start again, it has still been very difficult. I was so emotional yesterday and I think it was partly starting a procedure that didn't work the first time and going through it all over again but without that initial optimism and with full knowledge of how yuck all the hormones make me feel. I'm hoping that by the end of the week, after a couple of ultrasounds, I'll be feeling hopeful and excited again. but i guess you just can't force it.

I had an interesting weekend. I had about 4 hours of training at Gap Baby which was ok. I mean, the maternity section made me feel sad and the cute baby clothes filled me longing but it didn't send me into fits of tears or anything dramatic. So I hope the business of it will outweigh the inevitable being surrounded by babies and make it an overall positive. Hoping to spend more time in the Kids section sicne 5-8 year olds don't affect me.

I got all emotional yesterday about the financial side of this all. My parents paid for our last IUIs and will these ones and I am so grateful and yet, it totallys sucks as well. I'm so happy they did this for us but it just makes me feel so guilty. Like I am this burden to them because I can't get pregnant on my own. And I had mentioned to my mom in my mourning stage last week that if this injectibles/IUI cycle doesn't work, I want to move on to IVF. Then she said yesterday we need to have a family meeting to discuss IVF since it's such a big step. And I felt really bad because I wasn't just assuming they'd fork over the 15thousand. I just was emotional and trying to think of something that made me feel better and 'at least there's still ivf' made me feel better. So we're going to think and pray a lot about our 'next step' and talk all together this weekend.

And again, so grateful. But also it's hard because I wish Al and I coul just decide the two of us how and when we'll have a baby. It sucks that my parents have to even be involved in this. It just all makes me frustrated and sad. I do think they will give us the money for IVF but I hate having to take it, I really do. But I can't give up and not try everything possible to get pregnant. So I don't know what we'll do. From a purely practical standpoint, I should start IVF next month. I'm on school holidays. Drs appointments are easy, wouldn't have to miss school, I could be on as much bed rest as I wanted, etc. I guess the issue is- should I do another IUI + injectibles cycle in hopes of avoiding IVF (but if we do have to do it, that's a waste of 4thousand dollars!) or should I take a month off before IVF to emotionally prepare for it and so I'm not planning on this failing during it. Which makes sense but would then mean being in the middle of my first IVF right at the beginning of a new school year. Yuck. So I really want this cycle to work but if it doesn't, I really would like to use this summer to do IVF. But we'll see what the dr and my parents think about that.

I'm feeling really frustrated with most of my friends which sucks. I am going through a big, no one understands how hard this is phase and pretty much everything anyone says upsets and enrages me and then people saying nothing offends me. I'm impossible, I know. Well, that's not entirely true. My brother sent the sweetest text basically saying "i'm sorry, hang in there"- simple and kind. My parents have been great and Al has been wonderful. But too many people knew I think. I had to tell 7 people at work because I missed so many classes for drs appts and then was out at the last minute for 2 days and had to get people to help subs. And so I told people I didn't want to talk about it and for a couple of days that went well. The worst was this one co-worker. She is my co-teacher in my class with special ed kids and she's really not my friend. I only told her because I had to mention being out for another dr appt and she asked 'so are you trying to get pregnant or do you have leukemia or something.' And although I definitely thought about lying and making up a disease, I opted for telling the truth. So I didn't even want her to know. Then on Wednesday (2 days after POAS BFN and the day of my negative beta), she says to me during my class, 'hey, I know what you should do. You should buy a 2 seater red convertible and just enjoy riding around with just you and your husband." Ok, I bit my tongue and managed to only say 'i don't want to talk about it right now'. but I felt like saying "actually I won't be buying a convertible because I have to spend all my money on fertility treatments and I can't go on random road trips because I will be at the dr's office every other day and don't make such insensitive comments because it hurts that it's only my husband and I and we will need a back seat one day you bitch so leave me alone!" Seriously. People need to think before they speak.

This afternoon is our WTF appointment so I better go make my list of Qs or I'll forget one. Maybe it'll make me feel better somehow...