Struggling to find my hope again

Well, I had my first shot again last night so we're off and running again. As relieved as I was on Thursday to find out I would be able to start again, it has still been very difficult. I was so emotional yesterday and I think it was partly starting a procedure that didn't work the first time and going through it all over again but without that initial optimism and with full knowledge of how yuck all the hormones make me feel. I'm hoping that by the end of the week, after a couple of ultrasounds, I'll be feeling hopeful and excited again. but i guess you just can't force it.

I had an interesting weekend. I had about 4 hours of training at Gap Baby which was ok. I mean, the maternity section made me feel sad and the cute baby clothes filled me longing but it didn't send me into fits of tears or anything dramatic. So I hope the business of it will outweigh the inevitable being surrounded by babies and make it an overall positive. Hoping to spend more time in the Kids section sicne 5-8 year olds don't affect me.

I got all emotional yesterday about the financial side of this all. My parents paid for our last IUIs and will these ones and I am so grateful and yet, it totallys sucks as well. I'm so happy they did this for us but it just makes me feel so guilty. Like I am this burden to them because I can't get pregnant on my own. And I had mentioned to my mom in my mourning stage last week that if this injectibles/IUI cycle doesn't work, I want to move on to IVF. Then she said yesterday we need to have a family meeting to discuss IVF since it's such a big step. And I felt really bad because I wasn't just assuming they'd fork over the 15thousand. I just was emotional and trying to think of something that made me feel better and 'at least there's still ivf' made me feel better. So we're going to think and pray a lot about our 'next step' and talk all together this weekend.

And again, so grateful. But also it's hard because I wish Al and I coul just decide the two of us how and when we'll have a baby. It sucks that my parents have to even be involved in this. It just all makes me frustrated and sad. I do think they will give us the money for IVF but I hate having to take it, I really do. But I can't give up and not try everything possible to get pregnant. So I don't know what we'll do. From a purely practical standpoint, I should start IVF next month. I'm on school holidays. Drs appointments are easy, wouldn't have to miss school, I could be on as much bed rest as I wanted, etc. I guess the issue is- should I do another IUI + injectibles cycle in hopes of avoiding IVF (but if we do have to do it, that's a waste of 4thousand dollars!) or should I take a month off before IVF to emotionally prepare for it and so I'm not planning on this failing during it. Which makes sense but would then mean being in the middle of my first IVF right at the beginning of a new school year. Yuck. So I really want this cycle to work but if it doesn't, I really would like to use this summer to do IVF. But we'll see what the dr and my parents think about that.

I'm feeling really frustrated with most of my friends which sucks. I am going through a big, no one understands how hard this is phase and pretty much everything anyone says upsets and enrages me and then people saying nothing offends me. I'm impossible, I know. Well, that's not entirely true. My brother sent the sweetest text basically saying "i'm sorry, hang in there"- simple and kind. My parents have been great and Al has been wonderful. But too many people knew I think. I had to tell 7 people at work because I missed so many classes for drs appts and then was out at the last minute for 2 days and had to get people to help subs. And so I told people I didn't want to talk about it and for a couple of days that went well. The worst was this one co-worker. She is my co-teacher in my class with special ed kids and she's really not my friend. I only told her because I had to mention being out for another dr appt and she asked 'so are you trying to get pregnant or do you have leukemia or something.' And although I definitely thought about lying and making up a disease, I opted for telling the truth. So I didn't even want her to know. Then on Wednesday (2 days after POAS BFN and the day of my negative beta), she says to me during my class, 'hey, I know what you should do. You should buy a 2 seater red convertible and just enjoy riding around with just you and your husband." Ok, I bit my tongue and managed to only say 'i don't want to talk about it right now'. but I felt like saying "actually I won't be buying a convertible because I have to spend all my money on fertility treatments and I can't go on random road trips because I will be at the dr's office every other day and don't make such insensitive comments because it hurts that it's only my husband and I and we will need a back seat one day you bitch so leave me alone!" Seriously. People need to think before they speak.

This afternoon is our WTF appointment so I better go make my list of Qs or I'll forget one. Maybe it'll make me feel better somehow...