Take 2

I haven't properly written about our BFN because for the last 48 hours, I've pretty much felt like I was in a haze and I was just trying to survive by being in denial. I mean, I didn't think I was pregnant- I just pretended I hadn't just gone through all this and focused on school big time. It worked because I survived and I'm starting to feel better.

Today was my dr's appt- the one I had been looking forward to until Tuesday and which then quickly became the day I was dreading. I was so emotional about the whole thing- going to the dr to be told you're not pregnant just seemed cruel. The nurse could find blood in one arm and jabbed a nerve and I nearly just lost it and sobbed. But then they said I could go ahead and do my baseline. No cysts so the good news is I'll get to start my injections again on Sunday and even though it's sad we have to go through it again, I am happier knowing I will be moving on from this disappointment and start hoping for the next cycle. Also, my dr is putting me on a new drug also. Don't remember the name but it will keep me from ovulating on my own. Last time I had to trigger because I was already surging but I only had two mature follicles. Not that that prevented it from working. But, I really want 4 follicles this time. So thanks to this drug, my body won't 'jump the gun' and we can give it time for 4 follicles to mature.

I'm just grateful we're doing something different. It gives me some hope that there is a reason why this could end up with a different result than last time. I mean, 4 eggs instead of 2 would be twice the chance or something. I also found out that my estrogen and fsh were nice and low which is good.

So, I'm starting to come back to life. I think planning for the next cycle has helped give me closure on this cycle.

In other news, I applied for a part time summer job (I'm a teacher) at gap and ended up getting a call from Gap Kids and I was so excited that I was pregnant that I thought it'd be perfect so I interviewed for it etc. Today I officially got offered the position and have 12 hours of training next week. It's crazy that I have to spend next week in a store with baby and maternity clothes. I know I could say I can't do the job anymore but I still think it'll be good for me. The 2ww is going to seem much longer when I'm not teaching so part time job wouldn't hurt. Plus, I'll get pregnant eventually and then 50% off maternity and baby clothes!!!

More later- funny story about a colleague's ridiculously insensitive comment. I actually need to write a whole post about the crazy insensitive crap fertile people say! I've just learned to laugh about it or I'd become a very bitter person!