I was determined that I wasn't going to be sad on Mother's Day. After all, at 3 days past my 2nd IUI, I might very well be a mother myself today. And I wanted to focus on celebrating my own wonderful mother. Dh and I had a delightful week together, even with all the fertility craziness, so I was feeling happy. Needless to say, I didn't see the breakdown coming!
We woke up and enthusiastically head off for church. Well, enthusiastically is a bit of an overstatment as I would have liked to stay home but we skipped last week and are going out of town next weekend (trying to break up the dreaded 2ww) so I really needed a church fix.
Anyway, so we get there and during the first song 'because of jesus, i'm alive', parents start walking out with infants. And I get a little lump in my throat but I'm like ok. Well, it just keeps coming. By the end of the song, there are 85 infants and 190 smug parents on the stage. I'm starting to get really emotional. Al leans over and is like 'did everyone but us get pregnant in the last year?' and he was laughing like 'seriously- more cute babies!' meanwhile, I'm tearing up because the sight of all those beautiful babies and wanting one so badly and not knowing when I will have one was getting too much. And just witnessing the intense fertility of the normal population- agh, too much.
Then the pastor says if you are a mother, stand up. And seriously, I'm like the only woman who isn't 14 standing up. So I lose it then and start crying. Why do I have to clap for these women like I am less of a woman because I haven't been able to get pregnant? The pastor starts going on and on about how the sign of a healthy church is lots of babies. Which I don't even understand but all my head could hear was healthy = babies.
But I'm determined to stick it out, figuring he'll pray over all the babies and they will go away and it'll be back to a normal service. But no, he then starts to go through the families one by one and introduce the parents and baby, talk about sibling and make comments about how cute the babies are. By this point, my subtle tears are on the verge of full heaving sobs so wonderful husband suggests we head out and get a coffee or something and come back before the sermon. I was happy to get out before I made a fool of myself and once we were happily driving through Starbucks I decided we couldn't go back. So we went home and picked up our gorgeous puppy and headed over to my parents house for brunch and visiting with my mom.
In the end, it was a fine day. I enjoyed my parents and was happy to honor my mom. But all those babies, it was just more than I could deal with. I think I just have to accept that as determined as I am to be strong and optimistic, there are moments when my emotions will get the best of me and that's ok.
Anyway, that was my day. I'm determined I'll be a mother by next mother's day (or at least pregnant, surely) so hopefully I won't have to go through this again. And now that we're through it, I must admit it's almost comical. Like really- 85 babies! Are you kidding me???
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8 years ago
Wow that's a lot of babies in one room!! I know how you feel, it's so hard to see families showing off their new babies when you are going through this. Fingers cross that you will be a mommy soon!! 2ww go by fast pleaseeee.
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