Hope and Joy in the Midst of the Storm

Today was been a good day! After finding out that Al did not get the job on Wednesday, I pretty much emotionally shut down. I had been trying to stay positive and hopeful and focus on that potential great thing and not the potential scary thing (really old eggs). But when that didn't work out, I decided I had no reason not to collapse in despair. So it was a rough couple of days of tears, being edgy and bitchy to my wonderful husband and basically hosting my own very elaborate pity party.

Saturday was a stressful day because we had another job fair in the morning and another certification test in the afternoon. But today we slept in- I got up and went to the gym (inspired by my new probably irrational belief that exercise will magically lower my estrogen levels), did some grocery shopping (more irrational beliefs- drinking V8 will result in twins of course!) and then got to spend some quality time cudding, eating lunch together, having hot non baby making sex. It was very restorative for us. We really had the chance to re-connect and enjoy each other. It is days like today that make me realize we will survive this. Somehow we will get through to the other side and we will still adore each other when we get there. I have moments when I start to worry that between the job issue and the infertility, we will stop being us and just become these miserable stressed people. Anyway, then in the midst of a really tough week, we reach out and love each other and remember that we are so lucky.

There are moments when I think infertility might be the cruelest thing ever. But then I know that's not true. I had a beautiful wonderful childhood free of abuse, longing, pain really. I am married to an amazing man who loves me wholly and unconditionally. We are both otherwise healthy. Despite Al not having a full time teaching job, I am making good money and we are staying afloat in a lovely house. We have lots of support from our parents, including my parents being willing to pay our expensive fertility bills. We are truly blessed. And one day I KNOW, I truly believe and know with all my heart, we will be parents and our babies will be a tremendous blessing to us.

So for today, that's enough to bring a smile. Enough to keep me believing and hoping. That and the fantasy of my life with my babies (twins due to all the V8 obviously!) I know there will be days in the next few weeks where this cheerful person is impossible to find so I'll enjoy her today!