Shouldn't I get to pick my miracle?

Funny day today- I took a certification test on Saturday for teaching and I accidently signed up for the wrong test because well, I'm so preoccupied and emotional these days, I'm relieved I make it through most days without tripping and falling or getting in a wreck. Anyway, I didn't realize until I got there that I was taking the Science Composite test- Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Earth Science instead of just the Biology test. For no good reason, I attempted the whole test but left convinced I failed. I never even took Physics!

But today having totally forgotten about it, I thought I'd check my score. Surprise- I passed!!!

Now don't get me wrong- I was relieved because I really didn't want to have to take it again. And quite excited. But there was a little part of me that was like- really? that's the miracle i get! Month after month of failing the one test I want to pass, I am almost pissed off I then pass a test I really had no business passing!!!

And here we are dying to hear about Al's job and something I felt so positive about before is starting to feel like a long shot- meanwhile, something I had no hope for, I end up passing.

It kinda makes me wish I could pick my miracle. Like- God please give Al a job and fail me on the test, thanks.

Anyway, that's life I guess and hey, I'll take whatever good news I can get!

Meanwhile, thinking Al isn't going to get this job is devastating. I start to worry about all these crazy things like I'm going to get pregnant from IUI (which is always a better start to any fantasy than the opposite) and I end up with three babies (awesome!) but then Al doesn't have a job and I end up on bed rest and we become those sad people who can't afford their children!!!

Anyway, I really need Al to get a job so I can go head first into this treatment knowing that any outcome that ends in one or more babies is the best news ever!

And if he isn't going to get the job, for goodness sake's just tell us! Then I can cry and get upset but ultimately get over it. I can even start getting over it until we know because assuming he doesn't have it seems wrong. So we're in limbo and I just want to know. I just want to deal with whatever our reality is. it's like waiting for my period- just hurry up and come and stop teasing me!